Back from the dark

I've never felt God's presence so strong for so long.
The worship night with Sidney Mohede at DUMC tonight, made my life turned back on Jesus.

I could hear so loud and clear, that He speaks, "I cover your fall"
I did fall so hard, that I'm so embarrassed about. But I didn't know that Jesus covers it for me.
when i found out the truth, that He covers my sin, I'm so moved so deeply... I was like a "Gong" and i've been smashed so hard.

I was waken up so hard, that i gotta take this change radically.
I was so burned up, that I've committed in heart that I would try my hard to seek His kingdom and the truth.

this year, that was the night I felt His love again, and for true this time.
i could sing new song frm my heart during the praise & worship. a song that i never thought before.

i hope i can write them down and make a song, a song for Him.

words are powerful

what is the trend of socializing these days?
in this internet era,... u should know the answer already
facebook, twitter

people can say whatever they want there, can express their feelings
some people's tweets are attacking other's opinion, posting something useless
some encourage, some make differences

i've been enjoying twittering lately

today i realized of something, you can choose what u want to tweet
choose carefully, and control what you want to say
this probably is a new step ahead for me
im gonna post what's the result in future

if anyone reading this follow my twitter: jaxpang :)

quote of the day: worry is a disease, there's no way to cure it other than taking a pill of prayer as often as possible

also im kinda excited today... she replied all my mails
probably it's just kinda procedure thingy
but im just excited... somehow boosting my hope up
saw her photos today, made me even realize that she's the only girl that i want to spend my life with.
will i ever get her? i really wish so...
if i cant get her? i probably feel sad and regret that i've never done something worth trying
all i can do now is pray to God that He will open up ways for me...
do i sound pathetic God?
if yes, i never meant to embarass You, c'mon God, make me someone you want me to be!

what a sweet dream!

it's thursday morning 15 apr 2010,
i woke up remembering the dream i had last night
it was the sweetest dream i've ever had since long time ago

i dont quite remember how it started,
it was back in my primary school, and she, M was there too
we were talking to someone, my sis, i think or could anyone else
that someone was asking something that made me pointed to M,
and i kinda overheard the same question being asked to her, and she pointed to me too
i saw that look, likes she's been waiting all this time for me
and then she said, "let's talk"
and i, "now?", she answered, "yes"
"ok..." then i followed her
went to my old junior secondary school, it's already a ruin
she jumped over the rocks and i followed her closely

suddenly she grabbed my hand and she did a little spin like in any dance
in the end of the spin my hand was around her, and she kinda fell into my chest
i was kinda surprised, but felt warm inside

then we reached the upper floor, it was raining for some reason
this floor has no roof on top, and no wall
while i was looking around, she was the edge of the floor with no walls, she said something like, "steppin on this edge, feels like titanic"
and before i knew it, she slipped and fell down!
I looked at her unconscious at the ground and it was still raining
I had to jump too, it wasn't that far down
though i had lil hesitation to jump down, but i did anyway and it wasn't that bad
then i quickly grabbed her and shaked her face
i look like worry sick, but since i've tried the jump, and thought it wasn't that bad,
she should b ok!
then suddenly i saw a smile from her face, in an instance i knew that she was just testing me

don't quite capture what was next, but then it seemed that we confessed to each other
she told me she likes me, and i told her i like her too
and when she went, i told her something that i've been longing to say
"hey, you know what? i like you from long long time ago"

this dream taught me 2 important things in relationships
first, when she grabbed my hand and did a lil dance,
that's saying that if you sync with her, then she'll draw close to you
find out what she is interested to do, and if you are there, she will definitely come to you
secondly, when she fell down, i took a risk by jumping down myself
then she knew that i was coming straight to her to make sure that she was ok
well i guess taking risk here is very important
it's something that i've been learning for this while

i was still committing sin last night,
but i guess i gotta start fresh from today
God, give me strength for today and the rest of my life
and thank You for the lessons that i've gotten from the dream
I wanna live up to Your will
Amen.

when I was at the peak ...

well,... tonight probably the night where i lost all hopes,
and thinking should i give everything up, i couldn't catch up with my spirituality too
i fell down again and again, thinking i can get up quickly but in fact i'm still in it

and then it just strucked me, burst into tears,
" and here I am, lonely again... I just don't know what to do..."
" God you said, it's not good for a man to be alone,... You said that yourself, and this is the state where i am now... I'm not like those bad guys out there, not like some those not knowing you..."
" I did what You want, I didn't go for deeper relationship with her, because that's not what You want..." " if there's something wrong with me, i'd like to fix, this is just too much for me to bear"
" I know that outside i may look ok, or sometimes in the inside i don't complain much... but i just can't hold it anymore"
Just when i cried myself down, i heard a notification alert sound from twitter, and it says,
"I believe God can help me find happiness :) #ihatequotes"

i was stuck for a moment... why does this quote appear in the middle of my cry?
it's like God answered to me Himself. He can help me find happiness
very true, i realized that the sin that i did, porn and masturbation couldn't get me happiness
only filled me with guilt... i think it's the time again
i gotta leave those for good... i gotta start now!

eventhough she is not for me, God can help me find happiness!
I may not know how she is... but i just get back to the track, focus on God!
i can do it yes! i can do it

when i

Finding Love

Finding love is like...
when you're climbing a mountain with your bare hands and she is at the top of the mountain.
She will clean up the stones from the top, and throws them down the mountain.
The stones might hit you while you're climbing, unintentionally.
And who knows sometimes she might clean up bigger rocks.

So, when the stones hit you, will you still climb up?
or will you give up?

I've been on the stage where I gave up, went back down.
Finding one at the bottom, but then I realized that I must not give in yet.
I'm climbing back, she might throw more stones or even rocks harder.
But I will not give up until I reach the top.

Fallen

I've fallen today, after the past few days losing the battle to my mind
watched softcore and masturbated to it

what's the cause? i will simply put stress as the cause
i still read devotion this morning, but it seemed the mind has lost it for the day
i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow but i'll hope that i'll b able to go back to the right track, grow stronger than ever before!
i must get up!
yes, I've gone this far to realize that compared to past, I've done some marvelous improvement
i know He hasn't given up on me just yet
i will just keep fighting for it

I've decided that the person that I've been close to, to stay as a friend
i was so naive to have thought her to become my soul mate
i guess that's it, i think no more courting or going too deep with it
i probably had my fun already, and will move on to His will

I've liked someone for sometime, and even until now
every time i look at her, the only thing that pops in my mind is, "this is definitely the girl who i want to spend my life with"
but i just don't have the guts to tell her, but i know without solid preparation
clean from porn and masturbation, i won't be ready or i may say i can't allow myself to
well, tomorrow is just going to be another battle...
it's time to make a difference, breakthrough, revolution in my life!

How long has it been?

I've been wanting to write down everything that I've experienced since the last blog I did.
but i guess it's been awhile.
I've learnt a lot, but there're still lots more to learn.

I've watched two good movies since, "Fireproof" and "The Blind Side"
would recommend these to be watched in freshcom.

It's been weeks that I stay away from porn and masturbation, although I tripped a lil bit while researching photos from internet, but i quickly told myself to encounter it.
the temptation grows stronger within me these days...
like in the "Fireproof" movie, on the 20th-ish is probably the hardest
at one point, i felt like i was letting myself to fall
but i kept telling myself it's your choice, make the best of it.
i'm sure God's spirit that's been fed with God's words grows stonger too.
i'm longing to see i'm totally healed passing 40 days.
it'd b wonderful to see that after 40 days, the "me" isn't longer the "old me"

and I'm here to straighten my motivation of staying away from what is considered sin.
not because i'm gonna get God's help to score a girl
not because God's gonna help me in my career promotion
not because God's gonna give me good life ahead
not because I expect God to grow my hair
not because i'm expecting God's blessings,
but it's all about a change of myself like what God wants me to be.
everyday i gotta face denials, many denials

today i also learnt something that i need to repent from,
sin also means, not doing what he's supposed to be doing
i have souls waiting for me to lead, to be taught, to be brought as Jesus' disciples.
i really have to go and grab them, no more loathin.
alright!

and my prayer grows as no longer a make-up
God, teach me how to be a good leader!

Holy Spirit as a Helper

Something strucked me today when I was brushing my teeth.

Remember when Jesus promised a helper, that is Holy Spirit.
I just realized that, Holy Spirit helps in ways I can't imagine.
It's a Holy Spirit that lives in my heart, which is surely understand what my soul needs most.
It understands that I need courage, need to be brave;
It understands that I need to be a blessing for colleagues;
It understands that I need to be creative;
It understands that I need to be hardworking;
It understands many things that I can't even figure them out.

I guess the reason why I don't feel any significant Holy Spirit existence.
That's merely because, I don't take care of It, ignorance.

As a man eats so that he can do work.
If I'm looking forward to see what Holy Spirit can do to help me, meet my needs, then I gotta feed It. Feed with what? of course God's words.

Prologue

Today I decided to start a blog, this has been what i wanted for a long time.
to write something that I feel and to keep record just in case i might read it in future.

This blog is intended to write anything, especially spiritually.
Just something to kick off, I'm a christian, and have been for about 7 years already.
Wow, I just counted it in my head, didn't realize it was that long,...
but that was the number of years since i was baptized, I don't think I've been living a true christian life for "7 years" but as for this moment now, I'm really looking fwd to live a true christian life, a true Jesus' disciple.

There are so many things in my head to get all these started, to live a new life, life with significant change. But something's telling me, I'm just being like Martha, busy with so many things (probably writing up this prologue right now too).
I will just write another blog entry to end this "Martha" syndrome.

An enthusiastic seeker,

Jax